Friday, February 6, 2009

To start out

When I met my husband he could see. I remember the look in his eyes when he saw me. Or How he looked at my daughter, and that twinkle, that spark in his eye is why I fell in love with him. That is what pushed me over the edge. Now though, now it is all gone. He has Diabetes, and I knew when I met him that he would eventually become blind. Little did I know what it really meant. But then again at 18 do you ever really know anything? Now Five years later he has been blind for one year, we have been married and we have moved our family 1500 miles away from anything slightly familiar. I haven't worked since he has become blind. I am not sure if it is the economy or the depression that has hit our house like a ton of bricks. Big bricks by the way, not those little tiny bricks.
He seems to be doing well, considering he can't use a cane nor does he want to. He just places his hand on my shoulder to get where he needs to. He literally wakes up, goes to couch and sits there unless he has to use the bathroom, or I make him go somewhere with me. Like everything else, the diabetes, being a mother, learning how to function or 'do well' has come pretty easy. Well that is if you consider taking the load of the world that is my family on my shoulders with out support. That is why I am writing this. To get my 'sighted in a blind world' story out. I know I am not alone. I know there are others who feel guilty writing online,seeing a sunset, or the look of your children's face when they laugh, cry, or sneeze. I know there are others out there. Well here I am and this is my story. I want to share so you can. Because no one really understands what it is like to have your spouse say how attractive you are while you sit there with tears in your eyes internally screaming “LIAR!YOU CAN'T SEE ME!”. But I do. I have been there, I am there. Come share with me, This is where it can be all about you, no guilt, just a bunch of others just like you :)

21 comments:

  1. Skyecatcher,
    You did not post an email address. I would like to contact you via email before signing up as Google friend.

    My email is traveler629@gmail.com

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  2. Sky,

    My wife and I are going through this transition especially with her diabetic repanapothy. She is a teacher and are in the process of shots in the eye to try to save her eyesight. I am a reader and so is my wife we have our faith and family support which has been awesome but we are inthe middle of the adjustment period where our lifestyle is changing rapidly. Can you recommend a book or two that would help out.

    Thanks,
    Michael

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  3. I have been dating this gurl.. its only been 3 mnths.. i really do love her.. she has retinitis pigmentosa.. which means her vision will reduce gradually..

    In another 10-12 yrs she wud b legally blind.. if i marry her in a yearvor two.. i m not sure whether i can sign up for a sighted partner's life.. i hv really wrked hard to rise up in my career n nw i wana sit bk n njoy wid my gurl..

    I feel i should leave her before we get too attached..
    Is everyday a struggle with blind?
    Are their happy times? Is social awkwardness there?

    A couple of years later when there is no physical attraction.. n u seek a friend n cmfort in a partner.. is that phase easy with th blind

    I love travelling and i feel i would lose out on a lot of things

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      My husband also has retinitis pigmentosa and has been legally blind now for 18 years, since he was a teenager. I want to encourage you that not every day is a struggle, and we have a happy, fulfilling marriage.

      With the right training, blind people can do nearly everything sighted people can do. My husband has a great career in a prestigious profession, loves skiing and mountain climbing, and is an avid traveler. He has even been bungee jumping in Macau! Some things have to be done differently, but that's ok. For example, when we go hiking, we go slowly. And since he can't drive, we live in a big city close to public transportation. That way, he can go anywhere he wants even if I'm not available (although I do drive him most of the time since I don't mind!).

      Of course, sometimes there are struggles, but no life is without struggles. You asked about social awkwardness, and yes, sometimes things can be awkward. Sometimes my husband misses a handshake, and the other night at a restaurant he accidentally knocked over and broke a glass. But, in my opinion, who cares?? I think that with the right attitude, you can just let those things go, because in the grand scheme, they are miniscule. If people are rude to him or treat him as stupid, we choose to brush it off. So, if you love this girl, I believe you can make it work.

      When I got engaged to my husband, I knew that I was signing up for a life that was different than the one I had previously pictured. I knew certain things would be more difficult. And those were costs that I counted before we got married. But in the end, I thought... Sure, I could find a different man who is sighted, but will he treat me this well?, or make me laugh this much?, or have the same values as I do?, or want to raise children the same way I want to?, or be this smart and accomplished and adventurous?, or love me like this man does? Probably not. Or, I could marry this blind man in front of me who has every quality I've ever wanted. And that made my choice easy. I have never questioned or regretted my decision.

      Best wishes!

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    2. Thank you for these words. I am legally blind myself have been my whole life. I am 30 I recently got married and worry about Her. I worry it will become too much for her and that she will leave me. I don't think I am that bad since I have lived with being legally blind my whole life so I dont know any different. But it is hard sometimes.

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  4. Only one post? What happens after "To Start Out?" There is so little out there for spouses of the blind.

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    1. I would like to connect with Emily Apple. I am sighted, have fallen in love with a man with RP. He may be blind one day.

      Emily, my email is:

      its-peg@q.com

      Your story is the one that relates most to my potential situation. No, I am not married to him at this point, but was trying to find out how things go when the sight is lost in your partner/spouse.

      Or am open to anyone else to contact me. Hopefully no spam - I have ultimate Internet protection, so anyone out there, please don't messl with me.

      Thanks, Emily :)

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  5. I am new to this i am 35 and my spouse just recently lost his vision from having diabetic glaucoma, he is 36, its a struggle everyday but i love him unconditionally, at this time we have signed up for disablity and its been 5 months and they just keep denying him and saying now that we just have to wait till he recieves a letter to go in front of a judge, we are struggling but we wake up every morning. I cry alot sometimes for no reason other than exhaustion, we have two teenage kids that help alot, i havent noticed a change in them. my daughter recently went to prom and he didnt want to come out of the room, he said he feels like hes in the way. He is supposed to go to a school for blind in the next couple of months but all the beds are filled so it may be longer, i am thankful that before he lost his vision he remembered the layout of the house so its not so hard for him to get around, i ordered him a cane and without any help we managed to put little buttons on some of the appliances and i leave his things out so he can find them, i am blessed with a patient heart and i pray continuosly for him and our family....i just wanted to vent because i worry so much about his wellbeing that i forget about my self, and nobody understands...love is blind and so is my spouse! Im trying with everyting in me to stay afloat and be his motivation seeing him tackle this keeps me going and i love him even more, how do i get rid of this sadness i feel? we still go places i took him to the movies and sat next to him and whispered what was going on thru the whole movie, we go to the park, he goes to the grocery with me, and we have a family that keeps him from being in the house so much...this is hard but we will make it thru this!

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  6. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up anymore. My husband lost his eyesight 3 yrs ago. He is so miserable, which I can only imagine the frustration of what it's like to lose your sight mid-life. I feel his every emotion...being an empath, that's what we do. I'm exhausted and he sucks the energy out of me just listening to him cuss and throw things he runs into on a daily basis. I forget because he doesn't look blind, and I don't get things or him out of harms way in time. If I could give him one of my eyes, I would. This is the scariest thing that has ever happened to us and I say us because it's almost as if I might as well of become blind myself. I feel like I am failing him. I cry everyday because I don't know what to do anymore. He is a drug addict that refuses to quit or even consider the thought; I do love him and our marriage wasn't that great before this happened due to the drug issue, but tell me just how do I leave a blind person who has given up on life and any glimmer of happiness? I'm not sure if I would be any better off;;;;;just a different kind of miserable because I would be so worried for him. It's like a double edge sword.

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    1. Sometimes it is time to walk away, I do know the feeling as my husband lost his sight seven years ago and announced he will always be angry no matter what. I am going to find a way for just me not include him in the event and when he wants to throw a tandrum I will simply get into the car and go for a drive until he either gets it or not, but I refuse to allow him anymore to direct my life with his anger.

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  7. I am very excited to find this blog but I was hoping it had more to it than one post. Although I can imagine sighted spouses need support, I was hoping we could touch on dating a blind person?

    Earlier last year I came out of a divorce from a terrible marriage. Over a year later, I was on a dating website, ready to be done with it when a man messaged me and we just clicked. He is blind, lives over 9hrs away, is self sufficient, has a great career and has a vision and goals for his life. Honestly, he's unlike any man I've ever met. Questions have been swarming my head about what a possible future looks like if we ever became officially ME and HIM. And although I can't imagine by any stretch that it will be a breeze and super easy, I dont think Im being naive when I say that it truly does not bother me. Sure there will be adjustments, perhaps some tears and desperate want to not have misunderstandings, but that comes with every relationship and if TWO people love each other and strive to make it work no matter what the circumstances, it can really be a beautiful thing.

    He makes me feel like no other, and keeps his humor up despite the struggles he faces daily. We should have people like this in our lives and more importantly, we should try to be this kind of person.

    I know life isnt perfect, it certainly hasn't been for me. And like I said, I know there will be tears somewhere if he and I become and item. I would really love to see this blog continue with support of the sighted side of things...dating/married to a blind person. It would be great to have a place to see what-not-to do's and also just be supportive for each other in hard times or good.

    My heart breaks reading this above messages and I pray those who are currently struggling will be able to find away for themselves and for their blind loves.

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    1. W Haynie,
      Are you still with this site? We are in very distinctly similar situations. Please respond to its-peg@q.com ASAP - thanks so much.
      Peggy

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  8. I am a sighted wife of a Man who became blind from being shot as a teenager. He was blind when I met him. When a blind person tells you your pretty or beautiful don't take it that he cant see so there for you cant be in every other aspect of his being you are beautiful. Eyes do see yes but so does the heart. They have challenges and struggles and there are days that are a lot harder then others there are so many things out in this world that can help the blind programs for computers to allow them to search the web work in call centers which my husband did for 12 years until they closed office. Movies with audio description on Netflix. I do have to do a lot and I work full time but my husband does a lot while I work. In the beginning he fell into a depression thinking his life was over but soon realized it was up to him to take the challenge and make a life. I know that in many cases these spouses became blind after marriage and having to come to terms is both a challenge and a struggle can make both the one who lost their sight angry resentful and sighted person angry and resentful. This is all a normal reaction. Try to get into classes with any vision centers or centers for people with disabilities they can open so many doors and help bring back parts of your life you think is over. It is not easy and as with mine now in his 50's as I am and a diabetic there are challenges there too. But look up maxi aids watches for the blind to talk tell time, talking meters so they can check their own glucose levels they have many things there that will help to be independent. See if you have mobility coaches in your area that can help with using a cane (my husband did not want to use a cane either but finally realize he had to) Life is to short and love is to rare go through it together and know the road is rocky for a while adjustments must be made but if you pull closer together and work together find all the help that is out their you will find in time life will balance out

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    1. Thanks for that beautifully written insight on your life with your loved one. Again, thank you so much. I am at its-peg@q.com. I would like to connect. Yes, you are a wonderful and beautiful gal!
      Peg

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    2. Your story is beautiful. I would like to connect. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful blind man.

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  9. Hello
    my husband of almost 29years lost the sight in his left eye to diabetic retinopathy in 2012.Last Since then the dr's have been trying to save what vision he has in his right eye. In January he had surgery due to blood and overgrowth of vessels woke up with ZERO vision in right eye. April they put in a shunt due to pressure still almost no vision. He refuses to learn any assistance measures...i.e walking with cane! He has slept in his recliner since Jan due to anxiety from surgery?
    I am stressed to the max, I work 30+ hrs a week, do everything around the house... because he "can't" He sits in his recliner all day & night unless he has a dr's appointment? Any suggestions???
    Thanks
    Deb

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  10. Hi. I have been in a relationship with a great guy who lost his sight. I am sighted and we have just moved in together. This is the first time for me living with a guy. However, I am feeling overwhelmed. My family is not supportive. This adds to the stress. They think I am moving too fast.
    Also, I have been doing everything in the apartment but I feel guilty if I say something. He expects me to be a great cook/mate but this is so new for me. I have no one to talk to. Any suggestions?? Thanks SC

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  11. Hmm, sounds like a guy to me. All of the people living in any given space should contribute to the necessary tasks of the space. We share chores - blindness makes it more inconvenient for one of us. My wife would be insulted and angry if I tried to do it all. Boyfriend needs to take responsibility and you need to exam why you're attracted to someone who wants a servant not a relationship.

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  12. Just checking in again. Am considering marrying my boyfriend, he is legally blind, has Usher's 2, so there is a probability that he will not become completely blind, yet there is that chance. I love with so deeply, am sure we will be living together soon. The reason I'm writing is this: How did all of you above come out? What is your marital/relationship status now with your blind partner/husband, all of that? I would love some updates, and again I would like to connect with someone who positive about how to handle life challenges - it sounds so hard, and yes, I do worry about personality changes in my boyfriend if he should lose all sight - it's bad enough already, uses the cane, we will be joined at the hip - yet he is so incredible. I really have enjoyed this site and the comments about "feeling" beautiful, that the heart actually feels and sees the beauty. I hope someone is still out there.
    Look forward to reading something - take all of you! Each and every one of you!

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    1. Hi Friend! First, thanks for attempting to start this topic up again. Ive been busy but have missed feeling connected with others in relationships with a blind individual. Id be happy to talk more!

      My story since my last post has gone on the best of adventures. By October 2016, the man I was dating who is blind, was quickly becoming the love of my life and in mid October, he asked me to do this life with him and I said yes. We have since been married for a few months and I couldnt be happier. Sure, there are things that need adjustments and realizations of what he probably wont/cant do completely however.... I truly believe that i someone strives to be the right kind of person with a purpose, it doesnt matter if they have sight or not. Challenges have come of course- but we work trough them and I'm grateful he is just as willing to figure out whats best for US as I am. We are a team, regardless, and remembering that can get you through anything.

      And I have a note for your thought for you. You said you thought if your bf went completely blind that you would be joined at the hip. Not true! If he continues to practice his cane skills, he can do this on his own. I LOVE walking with my husband hand in hand down the street, giving hi verbal cues if something is about to be in his way or there is a curb or steps. Its become so natural and we do miss a beat. IF no one saw the cane, you wouldnt know he was blind. But that is because hes practiced and become so self sufficient in getting around. It can be done an you can encourage him to start now. My husband still lives in the large city he was living in when we met, and he lived alone, navigating the vast city himself. And my husband has never seen ever. Your boyfriend can do it. And it doesnt have to be a burden. Just some new way to improve life in this way. I hoe Ive encouraged you!

      Take care and I look forward to seeing how your story unfolds.

      Sincerely,
      W Vroom

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  13. Hi, there, W Vroom. It's been a year plus a few months since your post. Would be nice if you're still connected. Everything you mentioned about your husband's adaptability to blindness is exactly what I found in my David as we spent more and more time together. He's out walking a couple miles right now, on his own and with his cane. I can drop him at the market and let him do the shopping now and I can go to another shop for a while. He loves his independence. My anticipations about being joined at the hip just didn't pan out. We are engaged and plan to marry in the Spring. I am so happy. This is a great group, and I'm grateful it was there, what little of it there is, at the time that I needed input.
    Kudos to everyone for sharing and I will keep all of you in my thoughts.
    Peggy

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